|After Heart Surgery
Every day is not the same.
On day four, my heart stops, then restarts.
Alleluia OK, so I'm standing on a crumbling storm wall
watching new weather crash in
but I'm a sailor and want to get back out to sea.
I reach out to the friends who show up alongside me,
those with seasoned hands
like these doctors respectful of storms
who know what works, and what doesn't
surgeons who dip into the dark ink of direct experience
like Sappho, Delacroix, Rilke…
those who know the ever-eroding shoreline.
They show me how to read the sands, unfurl sails, hoist anchor.
They teach me to pay attention to each wave.
Day six and my poet-doctors declare: "No more Beta-blockers.
You're going home. It's up to you.".
I love the poets and doctors, those who make me labor
like a bowsprit, head into the wind.
So day seven, and I disconnect from the dozen tubes and wires
and feel a woman run her hand through my hair, voice like an angel
"Always listen for the music," she says,
"Set your sails according to the wind, you will survive any storm."
After one last look at my hospital bed, I thank my doctors
drop down in a wheel chair and roll toward the exit
which opens to the heart-stopping great rolling sea
of our ordinary out of doors.
|Music, and Other Forms of Kindness
For fourteen miles into the Ventana Wilderness,
the familiar rattle of my old Ford F-150.
Together, we follow the rutted dirt roads, then veer off
through a hole in the fence,
bump across an open field
to stop in an oak grove, tall, slow and hazy
what lolls in the long summer days —
as good a place as any to shut off the engine,
set up the tent, camp chair,
and open my fiddle case.
This is where I will sit for three days.
My plan? — eavesdrop,
watch the limbs move,
until I am moved.
It's taken me years to learn to wait,
listen for an opening
then take up my instrument
and try to play along.
How kind —
The only thing that has ever helped me.
|My Friend Jacob
My friend Jacob went into mourning
for years, lived alone in the mountains
and twenty miles from town, Nevada City
and the club Crazy Horse, where his wife had left him,
in that beer bar, where she drifted,
got remarried, got divorced, got tired
then decided to move back in with Jacob,
live again on their little farm.
Jacob woke that day and put on his lucky shirt
the red Hawaiian he wore on their first date,
and again holding a bunch of wild iris,
he waited for her.
She never saw the Hawaiian shirt or the wild iris.
On the dirt road back
a half-mile from their farm
she hung herself.
What is that rope
the one that comes out of the darkness
and jerks us
out of our innocence.